“How Do I Stay Present?”
It’s possible that my voice shakes even more on voicemails than it does during a live call. I don’t leave many voicemails (#millennial) but this particular number I called only takes voicemails. I was calling into a podcast (this one, to be specific) to respond to another caller who wanted to know how to stay present, during the not fun phases of parenthood.
I’m familiar with the not-fun phases of parenthood. The phase of figuring out how to feed a child who doesn’t know how to eat yet. The phase of learning just when is the right time to size up in diapers (hint: blowouts are not supposed to happen). Teething. Potty training. Etc. This particular mom was feeling lonely and wishing away her 4 month old’s random schedule, longing for future days when her baby will stay awake longer and she’ll be able to actually leave the house and share with him all the things that she loves about where they live. Things that should theoretically be more possible when he’s 6 months old.
But wishing away 2 months of a 6 month old’s life is literally wishing away a third of his life. So she wanted to know how be present in the here and now (note, this is not the same as “cherishing every moment” - which is impossible and ridiculous).
Not that I’m an expert in being present - three therapists would patiently tell me otherwise - but I do like to help when and where I can. So I called, my notes scribbled on a napkin so I wouldn’t blank out at the sound of the beep. I rambled my way through, with ums, asides, and enough voice shaking that I’m sure everyone will hear on this week’s episode of the pod. But I shared three ways that I like to implement to stay present in those not-fun parenting days.
1 - Journal.
I hear you laughing. I don’t have time to read a magazine, much less journal my daily thoughts. But there’s lots of ways to keep a journal. Maybe it’s by jotting one line down each day into an entry on your Google calendar. Or if you really want to go hard on the commitment, maybe you get one of these 5 year journals. (In the interest of transparency, I have one of these and got hung up on year five. I’m now trying to fill in the gaps in year 6.) The real benefit of this one is that it asks you a prompting question, so you aren’t left wondering what to write about. The point is, you write down your feelings, thoughts, good and bad, and have something to come back to later, when you can’t remember how you felt.
2 - Take a picture every day.
Well, of course I’m going to talk about photography. But it’s not just because I’m a photographer. It’s because I’ve been doing a picture nearly every day for three years now, and I love going back and seeing visual reminders of life that are long past and forgotten in the whirlwind of today. Oh yeah, remember when Asa wore that NOISY firefighter hat for 3 weeks straight? The hat that made a siren sound on a loop… with the “try me” sticker that felt more like a dare than an invitation.
Taking one photo every day might feel like a chore some days, but your future self will thank you for it as you get farther and farther from these days.
3 - Hire a photographer.
This may sound self-serving, since again, I’m a photographer. But even I hire a photographer on an annual basis, to help me make absolutely sure that I’m in beautiful photos with my kids. To help me remember later that I wasn’t just looming around them with a camera, but that I played with them, tickled them, laughed with them, read with them, cared for them, cuddled with them… you get the idea. All the things we do on a daily basis, that we might breeze through to check them off the task list (breakfast: check; teeth brushed: check; shoes on: check..) but that later on we’ll remember fondly as the kids run out the door without so much as a “can you put toothpaste on my toothbrush.” I hire someone today, to help me be present. I don’t have to worry that the kids won’t know how much I loved them. They can see it in the photos we make together.
If you’re looking for a photographer to fulfill number 3, start with my family photography and then reach out. I’d love to help you collect evidence of how you were more present with your kids.
