The BS Behind “18 Summers”
You’ve heard that phrase before, probably for the first time during the first summer of your first child’s life - “you only get 18 summers! Cherish every single one of them!”
The phrase is usually linked with either a reel about how fast time goes, or a pdf of activities to do with your kid each summer, categorized by age, or both. And it usually leads to some sort of existential crisis and panic on your (my) part. “18 is such a small number! OMG my children will be gone and off to college before I know it and they’re never coming back and I’m going to lose all of this *waves arms frantically around in a general circle to indicate EVERYTHING.*”
Pause. Let’s do a box breath so you don’t have a panic attack right here. Breathe In-2-3-4. Hold-2-3-4. Breathe Out-2-3-4. Hold-2-3-4.
Better? Let’s continue.
I don’t know who came up with this ridiculousness. Who is in charge of this phrase, and the guilt and fear that comes with it? Nonsense and rubbish, as the Brits say.
The creators of this panic-inducing phrase completely forget some crucial factors that make the “18 summers” thing complete bs.
You don’t stop being a mother once your child magically hits 18 years old.
Your kids don’t abandon you at 18. If you have a good relationship, they will move out of your house and you’ll still talk. Just like you probably moved out of your parents’ house and yet, still have a good relationship. You’re a child for 18ish years, and you’re an adult for 60+.
You won’t always feel this way toward your children.
How you feel about your child at 0 years old is not how you’ll feel about them at 5 years old, not to mention 18. Your relationship will grow, and change, as you both grow and change. Obviously you won’t be changing their diapers or feeding them from your body or a bottle. They’ll need you for other things. Adult things. And if you do this whole parenting thing right, you’ll get to be friends with them as adults far longer than you’ll be parenting them the way you are now.
Right now is all you have.
Not to be a downer but 18 years are not guaranteed. You have this moment, right now. That’s all you’re promised. Watching your kids grow up is a gift, that we should not take for granted. Not by “cherishing” it but by recognizing it and not focusing on the unknown future, but the current present. (Steering away from “the present is a gift” because holy cheesiness. But you get it.)
There’s so much in-between.
“18 summers” completely ignores every other season, month, week, day, hour, minute between summers. There’s SO MUCH time to enjoy being together. And so much time to get annoyed, to need time apart, to cry because they’re so clingy, to clean up after them, to be utterly frustrated by their lack of listening skills or sass. Not everything needs to be cherished, and your abilities as a parent do not hinge on how much you’re cherishing each summer (or spring, winter, or fall).
Bottom line: your kids aren’t worrying about how many summers they have with you, they’re thinking about what’s for dinner tonight. They’re wondering if you can play with them for 10 minutes before bed. They’re worried about making it to the potty in time.
Take a deep breath and live your life in minutes, not years. Find a way to be present right now.