Making Peace with Mother’s Day

I don’t remember what year it was when I flipped from eye-rolling Mother’s Day and sending my mom a card, to suddenly wanting to be the one celebrated.

Let me back up: I’ve always had a difficult relationship with Mother’s Day. From when I was a little girl, seeing all the mothers get pink carnations at church and not understanding why I couldn’t have one; to the teenage annoyance of having to find something to gift for a “Hallmark holiday;” to the aforementioned eye-rolling as a 20-something. I don’t remember when I entered the next stage - wanting to be a mom and feeling wistful that I wasn’t.

A blurry self portrait of Allison Patel with her oldest child when he was a baby.

I don’t remember how many Mays came and went with me clinging to the hope that one day I’d be a mom. I do remember that the two Mother’s Days between my miscarriage and the birth of my son were notably painful and bitter.

Allison Patel with her son as a 1 year old, at their home.

So when my first Mother’s Day as a mom rolled around in 2018, the emotion was surprisingly mixed. I was overjoyed to finally be a mother, overwhelmed by four months of being a new parent, overtired and over… it. Everything was too much, and I wasn’t able to enjoy the day because I couldn’t process what my brain and heart were wrestling with: relief, frustration, love, and guilt at not finally being 100% happy with life. Bless my partner who absorbed all of that and just quietly made me a waffle for breakfast.

Mother's Day 2020, the photographer and her kids outside.

I didn’t know what was wrong, so I did what I always do when I can’t express myself in words: I pulled out my camera and documented it. Even though I knew I wasn’t completely enjoying the day and everything it meant, I knew I wanted to remember it. I knew it was important.

My hair was oily, stringy, and falling across my face from my “growing out my bangs” journey. I was tired, my boobs saggy from the unsupportive nursing bra. My dirty tshirt didn’t flatter me; it clung in the wrong places and was too short for my postpartum tummy.

But I didn’t care. I wanted these photos, to remember all of this. (I’d probably take a shower first if I were to do it again.)

The photographer's family outside their home for Mother's Day.

Now, 6 years later, I’m thankful for what New Mom Me went through to get those photos. I understand now what she was going through. Trying to counteract all those years of sad/angry/bitter Mother’s Days, with one amazing, everything-must-be-perfect First Mother’s Day. Trying to feel all the happy feelings but unable to feel the crescendo of a perfect day. Like the let down of Christmas afternoon when you’ve built up Christmas for so long. Is this all there is? A card and some flowers and breakfast (no shade, dear - you’re amazing); I deserved an award for all I’d been through! I needed external validation that I was FINALLY a mother. I wanted trumpets from heaven. I wanted every mother who came before me to send me a card saying “welcome to the club, we’re so glad you’re here!” and I obviously got none of that.

Mother's Day portraits at home.

Just in time for my seventh May as a mom, I’ve made peace with Mother’s Day, finally. I no longer have strong emotions tied to the day. At least for now. The last six Mother’s Days have been weighted with various degrees of selfishness (from “it’s MY day, I don’t want to do anything” to “I want to spend the whole day together.”), but one thing that hasn’t changed is my need to document the day. The milestone. The reminder that these kids are mine, and I’m theirs, and nothing in the world will change that.

Allison Patel with her kids for Mother's Day.

If this is your first, seventh, or seventeenth Mother’s Day, and you want to document it quickly and easily without having to do it all yourself, it’s not too late to sign up for a Motherhood Porchrait session. Sessions are happening May 11, May 15, and May 18, and are a great way to document your motherhood without a lot of fuss. (You might want a shower first, but I’m not judging.) Get more info and book your session by clicking here.

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Introducing: Cohesion

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Local Richmond Mother’s Day Gifts